


Before the days

by itisjosh



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: (kind of) slow burn, Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Manipulation, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, I promise it gets better, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Manipulation, Maybe - Freeform, Mental Health Issues, Not Canon Compliant, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Domestic Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers, Victim Blaming, basically a lot of bad shit, clarke & lexa work through lexa's trauma, costia doesnt exist, i mean it could be, in case it wasnt clear, it's very different from canon js, mature tag purely for all the other tags we got here, ontari is a FUCKING BITCH, roan & clexa end up being very close friends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:00:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24300232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itisjosh/pseuds/itisjosh
Summary: Ever since Lexa managed to escape from Azgeda's clutches, she hasn't been the same. Her people want their Commander back, and she's terrified to set foot in Polis, not after what happened.It's been around a year now, and with Clarke Griffin in her own home, everything is changing and breaking. Memories are resurfacing, and familiar faces seem to be everywhere. Lexa feels useless, and everything is crumbling around her. Although, not everything is just as simple as it seems, and everyone brings something new to the table.But after all, jus drein jus daun.(Right?)
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Lexa/Ontari (The 100)
Comments: 22
Kudos: 24





	1. Intro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: there might be possible triggers. there is implied noncon, violence, self-hatred, a mild panic attack, references to self harm, and brief suicidal thoughts  
> read with caution, alright? be safe you losers  
> -  
> so this is my new mini-series while i work on crossfire, and possibly the groupchat au you lot seem to like. i really liked the idea of this and figured i might as well. i'll mention possible triggers & the like on every chapter. though be warned, there are probably going to be the same, or similar, triggers on most chapters. i doubt a lot of people read the notes, but seriously: READ THE TAGS. i don't want anyone to get jumpscared by something that they hadn't looked at, i'd feel rlly bad about that. i've tried to tag everything i think will be in the story, though it might be edited at some point. anyways, feel free to continue, and i hope you fuckers enjoy this

_"Do you understand? You're useless. Barely a Commander. I wonder how your people would look at you, if they could see you right now. Kneeling, all for me. All for some Azgeda Nightblood that you're hopelessly in love with. I hope you understand how much you mean to me, Lexa. I love having toys to play with, and you're making out to be my most interesting one. Let's see what you'll do for me to tell you I love you, alright? No, no. Don't cry, Lexa. I don't like it when you cry over me. You've been good all day, don't ruin it now. Don't you want to be good for me? There you go, see? It isn't that hard. Good girl. You'll be fine. I always take care of you, don't I? Aren't you glad Nia gave you to me? Of course you are. Now..close your eyes. I want this next part to be a surprise."_

* * *

Lexa feels herself lurch up, her entire body freezing yet on fire at the same time. Her mind is spinning, racing, _aching_ , everything hurts and she doesn't know where she is and-

She forces herself to breathe, to steady herself. She's in Polis. She's home. It doesn't feel like she's home. She can still feel Ontari's fingers stroking down her face, the..Lexa shakes her head, balling up her hands. She can't think of that. She won't. Once she starts thinking about it, she'll just get worse. She's supposed to be the Commander, she can't..she can't let something like that get to her. Not again. Lexa closes her eyes, feeling herself shaking more than she ever has before. She feels disgusting, but she can't just..she can't climb out of her own skin. She wants to, Lexa wants to _so badly_ , but she can't. She wants to rip her skin off, take a shower, just..she doesn't want to be her. She doesn't want to be herself. Every inch of her feels disgusting, and she hates it so much. Lexa hates herself so much, she hates that she let it happen to her, she hates that she thought it was love. She refuses to close her eyes, because if she does, she'll see her again. She can't see Ontari again, not right now. She doesn't think she can go back to bed, not after that nightmare. Ontari was..she was..Lexa shakes her head, trying to clear it of those thoughts. She can't have them, not right now. 

Lexa barely manages to stand up, shivering at the open window she hadn't realized she left open. She shifts away from her bed, her legs shaking harder than they have before. She forces herself to go to her window, to look out of it. She stares down at Polis, the city barely lit. She can't really see anyone from up where she is, and she doubts anyone would be out, anyways. No one goes out this early in the morning, she thinks. Lexa looks towards the horizon, seeing a faint light blue colour contrasting against the dark of the night. She's surprised that she almost made it all night without waking up once. Normally, it's only a few hours after she goes to sleep. Lexa hopes that she didn't scream without knowing it again. The last time she did that, Titus nearly found her disheveled and unresponsive, sobbing on the ground. She can't afford to have him know, not anytime soon. She can't let anyone know, because if she does, that's weakness. She can't be weak in Polis, Lexa cannot be weak. Not when she's the Commander. Not when her people expect her to lead them. She shudders as the cool air blows against her face, shuddering even more when the cold reminds Lexa of _her_. She can feel her hands slowly stop shaking, and she breathes out, not realizing that she hadn't. Her head hurts, and her entire body feels unresponsive. Everything just..nothing makes sense anymore, and Lexa just wants it to be _over_. She hates it so much, she hates it. She hates herself, she hates Ontari, she hates everything about that situation, and she just wishes she could make it go away. She wants the memories to go away, for the pain to just stop. She knows it never will, but Lexa wishes everything would go away. She wishes Ontari was dead, but she knows she isn't. She knows that she's still alive, and she hates it so much.

Lexa looks back at the sky, a bit surprised that the sun has already started to rise. She remembers that she used to like sunrises. Now, they just mean that she has to become the Commander. Has to pretend that she's not broken and used and disgusting. Her head _aches_ , and she barely feels like herself. She just wants to go back to before she was captured. Everything after that..she bites down on her lip, reveling in the pain. It's the only thing she can control. Lexa grips the windowsill, feeling the sharp metal biting into her palms. She has to go to her throne, soon. She'll have to discuss politics and decide things, and she just..doesn't want to. She wants to sleep without nightmares. She wants to sleep without Ontari constantly haunting her. Lexa watches as the sun rises higher in the sky, painting the sky pink and orange and purple. She can see some of the merchants and shopkeepers opening up their stalls, setting out their wares for the day. Lexa needs to talk to Titus and Indra more, since they've started talking about Clarke Griffin more now, ever since she became Wanheda. She doesn't want to. She doesn't even want to look at Titus or Indra. She just wants stay in her tower, alone and unbothered. But she knows that can't happen, and she has to push through it. She has to, she's the Commander. She has to keep the coalition, she has to keep everything peaceful and unbroken. She wishes she was unbroken. Lexa swallows, pushing herself back from the windowsill, turning to put on her armour for the day. She doesn't want to. She doesn't want to put on her armour, because that means she has to change. She has to be a different person. She closes her eyes for a second, reopening them as soon as Ontari's crooked face flashes in her head, vivid and bright and terrible. 

She turns again, forcing herself to move to her closet, to take out her armour. To put on her face paint and get her swords. She wonders if Roan has found Clarke yet. Lexa barely remembers that she asked him to look for her, asked him to bring Clarke to her. Lexa hasn't heard from him in a month, though, and she isn't sure if she wants to see Clarke again. Not after her betrayal. She didn't want to do that to Clarke, but she had to. She had to show her people that she was in charge, that she was the Commander. She..she regrets it. She shouldn't have done it. Not even because of the possibility that Skaikru might become huge, but just..just because she _shouldn't have_. Lexa isn't sure how she'd feel, if her people were left behind like that. She doesn't know if she'd care, because she doesn't want to be Commander anymore. She wants to leave Polis forever. Lexa..Lexa wants to die. She doesn't want to be here anymore, she doesn't want to live in a world where she's disgusting and broken and _pathetic_. She doesn't want to live in a world that has Ontari in it. Lexa hates it, she hates herself, and she just..she wants everything to _go away_. 

She hears shuffling outside of her door, assuming it's Titus. Titus always manages to wake up around the same time Polis does, and he always expects Lexa to do the same. She doesn't hear a knock, however, which sends her heart rate skyrocketing. Titus always knocks, even before what happened. But _especially_ after. And Indra..she always knocks, Aden knocks, every Nightblood knocks, who.. _no_. It can't be, it can't be her. No one would let her into the tower. Everyone Lexa has ever seen has been given _very strict_ instructions to never, ever let Ontari into the tower, let alone Polis. But she could have slipped past the guards, scaled the wall, she could have- 

"Hey," _Roan_. She breathes out, willing herself to stop shaking. "I have a surprise for you, Commander. You decent?"

"Of course," Lexa swallows, running her hands down her face. Today has _not_ gone well - it's barely past sunrise. At least Roan finally returned, since it's been a month now. She specifically told him not to come back unless he had Clarke, but Roan has never really listened to her. "You may come in, Roan."

"Thanks," she hears the door swing open, and turns around to..oh. "Sorry it took so long," Roan waves a hand, shoving Clarke Griffin to her knees. "She did her best to hide, but it didn't work very well for her. Oh, yeah, Lexa.." he drops his voice. "Nia wants to speak with you. Soon. She's planning on bringing guards, and.." Lexa shakes her head. No. "She wants to challenge you to a duel. Nia wants Polis."

"What kind of duel?" Lexa whispers. If she lost, if she..if she lost, she would be..she'd be sent back to Azgeda. Nia would want to see her suffer, to see her.. _no_.

"Just to the death," Roan reassures her. "Don't worry," he smiles, "she won't be fighting herself, obviously. Old bitch couldn't pick up a sword even if she tried. She'll probably be sending me in, honestly. I'm her son, she wants to use me, it's just how she works. Don't worry, I won't kill you. In fact..I actually have a plan," he glances down towards Clarke. "But now's not the time to talk about that. I got you what you wanted, now I expect you'll give me what I want." 

Lexa nods, dipping her head. "Of course. You will be granted safety and shelter in Polis. I'll have Titus set you up a room in the tower." Roan rolls his eyes.

"Flashy, Commander. But thanks, I'll make sure to use it. You stay safe out there," he nods. "You know where to find me if you want to talk." Roan waves hand, turning away from her, closing the door softly behind himself. Which leaves Lexa alone with Clarke, who's both bound and gagged, and who also looks _furious_. Lexa takes a step forwards, kneeling in front of Clarke, removing her gag. 

"I'm sorry," she murmurs. "I understand that this is unexpected, and I know that you hate me," Lexa stands back up, moving herself to remove Clarke's bonds. "I would hate me, too," she smiles. She already does. "Though I do hope you understand why I did this. I also apologize for Roan's manhandling, I'm sure it wasn't an extremely fun journey."

"Fuck you," Clarke snarls. "You left me and my people behind at the Mountain. You don't..you have no right to.." she curls her lip, glaring up at Lexa. "Go float yourself."

Lexa frowns. "I'm..I don't know what that means," she admits. "They've started to call you Wanheda. The Commander of Death. You killed everyone in that mountain."

"It was for my people," Clarke's voice breaks at the end. Lexa feels terrible, she should have known that Clarke was too good of a person to ruthlessly kill men, women, and children. "It was for them. It wouldn't have happened if you had..if you'd kept up your fucking part of the deal. You're the reason they're all dead." Probably, Lexa thinks to herself. It probably was her fault. Most things were. 

"I'm sorry," she repeats. "Truly, I am. I should not have..I shouldn't have done that to you, Clarke. I truly apologize. I know you hate me, I understand. You don't have to like me. But I..I wished to propose something to you."

"I don't want anything to do with you."

"Of course," Lexa swallows. "I know. But I want..I want Skaikru to be the thirteenth clan. I want you and your people to be under my protection. There would be no more wars between you and my own people. I want you to join the coalition, Klark Griffin kom Skaikru. It would be much safer for you and your people."

Clarke scoffs, standing as she does so. "You're crazy."

"I will give you time to think about it," Lexa tries not to take a step back. Clarke has a very similar look in her eyes, one that Lexa's seen many times before. She forces herself to remember that Clarke is _not_ Ontari. They are two completely different people, with two completely different set of morals. Clarke wants to kill her, Lexa knows that. But that's all Clarke wants, she doesn't want to do anything else. "I understand why you're upset. Furious. Enraged," she pauses, "I know that you want me dead. I understand that more than anyone else," Lexa smiles. "I know Roan took your knives from you. Or your gun, I'm not sure which you've grown more accustomed with. I'll instruct Titus to give them to you. You will be set up with a room in this tower. I do not expect you to talk to the people of Polis or leave your room, but I will summon you on occasion, simply to talk. Clarke.." she looks down, closing her eyes for a second. "I promise you, your people will not come to any harm. I will instruct not only Trikru, but all the clans, that no harm will be brought to Skaikru. As far as they will be aware, the coalition has already accepted you into it. If you choose to say yes to my offer, we will meet with the ambassadors of every clan. If you say no, your people will still be safe. It..it is the least I can do. I can direct you to your room by midday, after it has been set up for you. For now, however, I have a spare guest room in this part of my tower. I can take you there right now."

Clarke stares up at her, her mouth hanging slightly open. "What?" She blinks. Lexa opens her mouth to repeat herself, just in case she had been speaking too softly, but Clarke shakes her head. "No, I heard you. I heard you. What are you trying to get from me, Lexa?"

"..Nothing?" She offers. "I know you see me as a monster. A terrible, ruthless creature who doesn't deserve to live," Lexa sees herself like that, too. She can easily understand why Clarke would. "But please believe me when I say..I truly regret it. I regret what I did. I shouldn't have, it..it wasn't worth it. I'm sorry for what happened to you and your people, and I'm sorry I let it. The only two requests I ask for is..one, that you think about my offer, and two, that you do not kill me," she smiles. "I understand the urge. Will you let me show you your room for the time being?" Lexa swallows, feeling her body slowly start to shut down. She hasn't talked to a complete stranger in a very long time, not for this long. She wishes that she could stop speaking formally for once, that she would be able to talk like a person, but she isn't. Clarke continues to stare at her, for a _very_ long time, before she moves forwards. Lexa forces herself to stand still, to not move or flinch. She can..people can be close to her. They can be physically near her, it doesn't mean they'll hurt her. But it also doesn't mean she's safe.

"If you could do it again, would you?" Lexa doesn't need anymore context than those few words. 

"No. I would have stayed. I wouldn't have abandoned you." 

Clarke nods, seemingly satisfied. "..Okay. Okay. I don't want to see my room. I want to talk to you." 

"Of course," Lexa dips her head. "I..that would only be fair."

"Can you stop?" Clarke sighs. "We're past the formalities at this point. I've already decided to not kill you, you're not going to kill me. We're basically friends now. You can drop the formalities." Lexa breathes in, wishing that she could. But..she can. She's in control of her life. She can do what she wants. She..she can allow herself to do that. 

"Of course," she repeats. "As Heda, it's..difficult," she lies, though only half-way. "At least let me show you where you'll be staying. So you don't get lost," Clarke nods after a few moments, and Lexa starts to move. "From my room, it's just two doors away. Through the main room, and here," she gestures towards where Clarke's door is. "Do you..would you prefer to talk in here? I don't mind." 

"My people would have tortured you until you talked to them." Lexa frowns, remembering what Indra had said happened to Lincoln. 

"I'm aware," she breathes out. "But we only believe in torture when someone is deemed to have deserved it," she pauses, "I'm sorry about Raven." 

"Yeah, that was kind of fucked up to do to an innocent woman." 

"I'm sorry," Lexa reiterates. "It wasn't my best judgement. I shouldn't have trusted Gustus as much as I did." 

Clarke frowns. "What's the point of having high-ranking people if you can't trust them? That seems like a really big downfall." Lexa agrees, though it's just a part of her life. 

"Yes, it..could definitely be seen like that. But higher ranks are mostly to keep the clans stable. People naturally either want to be in charge, or be commanded, so it works out for everyone. Until someone else decides that they want to be in charge, but that's mostly settled out officially." Clarke nods. 

"Like a voting system?"

"Not really," she admits. "They tend to come to Polis if the dispute is _that bad_ , and have one of the ambassadors set up an official duel for them, where the true leader will win and go back to their people."

"So they fight to the death."

"Sometimes. Sometimes the winner keeps their opponent alive, either out of malice or pity. A lot of the disputes are actually between friends and family, who end up getting jealous that their friend or family has something that they don't. That they have more control over something they don't. Has that..has that ever happened in Skaikru?"

"It happened on the Ark," Clarke sighs. "It..if you broke a huge list of laws, you'd get floated," Lexa frowns. Floated. That word, again. She still doesn't know what it means. "Oh, right, you're not..yeah. It means you'd get shot out into space. You'd be put into a huge airlock and then they'd open the back door, leaving you to die alone," Lexa frowns a little more. Although dying by everyone in your clan cutting or stabbing you isn't exactly a nice death..being completely alone? Desolate, but able to see your previous home when you died? Lexa shudders, feeling like she's back in the Azgeda dungeons. She can feel Ontari's breath, warm against the cold, right up against her face. A shimmer of a knife, her hands on Lexa's neck, her hands other places that they should have never been at. Lexa closes her eyes, balling up her hands. She can't..not now. Not with Clarke, she can't.. _no_. "Lexa?" Clarke's voice echoes in her head, but it's not enough to pull her back. Nothing's ever been enough to pull her back when she gets this far. She feels Ontari _everywhere_ , her skin burning and itching with everywhere Ontari touched her. The scars on her arms and legs and _everywhere_ scream, even though they've been sealed for at least over a year. Her lungs burn, her eyes are watering, her head is screaming at her to lay down, to stop, to give up, to just _collapse_. "Lexa, hey." Clarke's voice is louder this time, and she can feel hands on her. Ontari's hands. Lexa's pretty sure that they're Ontari's, they can't be, not again-

Lexa lurches back, stumbling to the ground. She's so pathetic. So useless. She never should have thought that she'd be able to escape her. Ontari made sure that she'd never be able to, that she'd always remember. She feels a sob rack through her body, her hands shaking as she tries to steady herself. As she tries to get away. She has to, she has to..she can't be here. She needs to go, she can't..Lexa can't be here. She can't let Ontari do that to her again, she might be useless and disgusting and awful but she can't..she can't do that again. She keeps her eyes closed, refusing to open them. She can't. If she does, then she'll see her face and that twisted grin and she can't, she can't, she _can't_. Lexa sobs, forgetting why she shouldn't be doing that. Her entire body feels like it's on fire, feels like it's freezing, feels like it's tearing itself apart. She wants to peel her skin off, she wants to forget everything, she wants to die, she wants to be someone else. Lexa doesn't know how much time passes, all she knows is that she can faintly hear breathing. It doesn't sound like Ontari, but that doesn't mean anything. Ontari always fooled her. Ontari always found her. The breathing gets louder, and Lexa feels her heart stop for a second, before it slowly, slowly starts to calm down. She can feel the tears searing her face, the world slowly starts to stop spinning. She slowly starts to stop spinning. Lexa feels herself come back down, the fog in her mind fading a little. She blinks her eyes open, and..there's Clarke. Breathing really loud, but normally and steady and..

"I.."

"Are you alright?" Clarke asks, something like genuine concern in her voice. "I know I said I hated you like, two minutes ago, but I'm also a doctor. Kind of. Are you..are you okay?"

Lexa laughs, but it sounds bitter and sharp and broken. "Ontari. I..I was captured by Azgeda. Nia let her have me. She let her..she gave her to me. She let her use me and she.." she shakes her head, her tears tasting like glass and fire. "She won't go _away_." Lexa whispers, closing her eyes again. 

"Oh," Clarke swallows. "I..I'm sorry, Lexa. I," she pauses, "I have them too." Nightmares. She doesn't have to say it. 

"Of course," she swallows. "Of course. Everyone here does. Sometimes they just don't stop. Sometimes they just..keep coming back, and they won't stop," she shakes her head again, her entire body aching. She's exhausted already, and it's not even close to going back to bed. "She won't go away." 

"If you want," Clarke starts, "I can stay here, with you. Not in the guest room, just..with you. Raven would always do that for me, and it kind of helped them go away." 

Lexa blinks at her, barely managing to meet her eyes. She..she doesn't want that. She doesn't want Clarke to stay with her. She wants to be alone. She wants to be alone, she wants to die, and she doesn't want Clarke with her. Lexa opens her mouth to say no, before she remembers that she doesn't have that choice. Saying no was taken away from her a very, very long time ago. "I..alright." She whispers instead, feeling her stomach lurch. She hates herself so much, she can't..Lexa can't believe she's so pathetic and weak and just..useless. She should have never..she should have died at her Conclave. She shouldn't have lived. Luna should have killed her. Luna would have been a much better Commander than Lexa could have ever been. She wants to go to bed. She doesn't want to wake up, and she just..she doesn't want to be here anymore. She doesn't want to be in Polis or in her tower, she just wants to be somewhere else. Somewhere Ontari doesn't exist, somewhere where she never did exist. Somewhere where Lexa could be better. She watches as Clarke stands up, turning to face her. 

"Hey," her voice is soft. "I..do you want help up?" Lexa shakes her head, pushing herself up off the floor. "Are you alright?" She scoffs, turning her head away. "Well, obviously not," Clarke sighs. "But are you okay right now? Have you come down from the attack? Do you need anything?" Lexa breathes out, stumbling towards her window.

"I'm alright," she murmurs. "If you..if you're coming back here tonight, you should be b- back around eleven." 

"Alright. Call me if you need anything." Clarke sighs, before Lexa hears her footsteps echoing, fading away. She sinks to the ground, her knees hitting the floor. She rests her head on her windowsill, not caring about the spikes there. She closes her eyes, arms tucked gently under her head. Everything is wrong. She feels _disgusting_. She always does, but..in front of Clarke? In front of someone she doesn't even know..she's disgusting. Pathetic. Everything Ontari said she was. Even if Lexa doesn't want to believe it, it's true. Ontari very rarely lied to her. 

"Worthless." Lexa mumbles, opening her eyes as she stares out at her city, broken and unresponsive to the world around her.


	2. Remembrance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: minor panic attack, implied noncon, referenced torture (with knives), nightmares, self-hatred, brief suicidal thoughts, and mentioned/referenced abuse 
> 
> be safe out there! this chapter was rlly fun to write, mostly because i ended up just continuing it longer than i originally planned. also, 8 chapters?? lmao i'm gonna make this thing like 50 i stg i rlly love this concept. hope you lot enjoy!

_"Of course, Nia, I know. I know, yes, okay. I'll take care of it, don't worry. Oh, thanks for Lexa. I really like her. I know we'll kill her eventually, but could you reconsider? I really, really like having something new to play with. Well, ever since I broke the last one, you haven't been letting me keep toys. I've definitely been keeping good care of her, I promise. Does she..like it? Well, she's in love with me, so probably? I don't know. She's so deluded, she doesn't even know what's real anymore. She's the best thing you could've ever given me, you know. Thanks, your Majesty. Anyways, can I go back to her now? I know she's listening right now, and we're going to have a talk about her eavesdropping. Oh, could I borrow one of your knives? I liked the look of it. I'll clean it and bring it back, I promise. Imagine what Polis would say if they could see their stupid Commander waiting for me to destroy her. She's pathetic, it only took like a week, and..whatever. Thank you, Nia. I'll come back with the knife in a few hours."_

* * *

"Heda, I do not mean to underestimate you, but do you truly think that it is wise to allow someone from Skaikru to have their weapons back?" 

"Yes, Titus," Lexa sighs. "It is an act of trust. If she is to join the coalition, she needs to trust me. I know what I am doing, Titus." He bows his head politely, though Lexa can tell that he's furious. 

"She had a gun, Heda. While I mean no disrespect, you have seen what guns do to our people."

"I have to agree with Titus, for once," Indra inputs. "It is not wise to give her her weapons back. I've dealt with her and her people, and they are unpredictable and headstrong. She'd shoot you at any given chance."

Lexa forces herself to not sigh again. "I understand where you are coming from, Indra. However, did you not tutor the Skaikru girl Octavia?" Indra frowns at her, crossing her arms. 

"I did."

"Then you should know better than anyone else what they are like," she bites down on her lip. "I've seen them, and they are not unpredictable. Clarke, at least, is not. She wants what's best for her people, and she knows that if she kills me, Polis will destroy her people. She cares for them. Her having a weapon is a means of protection for her, as I know that many in Polis are unhappy with her being here. She will not kill me," Lexa assures both of them, though she has no idea if that's true or not. "I am quite sure of it." She raises her voice a little at the end, hoping that it pushes her point forwards. She knows that it's stupid, and maybe she wants Clarke to kill her. Maybe she just wants to take the easy way out, not do it herself. But..she isn't sure if Clarke would do that. Indra is right, Skaikru is unpredictable and headstrong, but Clarke is different from Skaikru. She might lead them, but that doesn't mean she is them, not entirely. 

Titus bows his head. "Of course, Heda. I will trust your judgement."

"As will I," Indra sighs, tossing her head. "But I suggest you keep a very close eye on that girl, Heda. She will do whatever is best for her people, or at least what she thinks is best for them. I have watched her plan, and she does not tend to think about future effects. Her room should be finished sometime in the next two hours." Lexa nods, opening her mouth to respond-

"Heda," Roan's voice rings out across the room, and Lexa flinches a little. How did she not notice him..she breathes in, willing her heart to stop. It's just Roan. "May I speak with you?" He looks directly at Titus, then at Indra. "Alone?" Lexa nods again, meeting Titus' eyes. She knows him well enough to understand that he's very, very angry. She also knows that he'll try and talk to her later about her judgements, and she won't listen to anything he says. Lexa is fairly certain that they both know this, and he nods back at her. 

"Of course," Lexa smiles at Roan, though it's fake. She knows that everyone else can tell. "Titus, Indra. Thank you for your input. Perhaps we shall continue this conversation later." They won't. Lexa knows that they won't, and she knows that they know, as well. She never follows up on things like this. 

"Yes, Heda." Titus dips his head, ushering Indra and himself out of the room. She breathes out as soon as he closes the door, and looks to Roan, who seems abnormally stoic. 

"I've gotten word," he sighs. "Nia is marching. Not with her entire army, but with about..a hundred people, I think. I'd have to see for myself, but that's what most people have been saying. Most people in Polis don't know about it yet, but I've got sources outside of your city. She's going to want to duel you."

"Of course she is," Lexa curls her lip. "She obviously-" Her words are interrupted by the sound of her door opening, and she seizes up for a second, before she realizes it's Clarke. Of course it's just Clarke. "Clarke," she greets the woman. "Do you need something?"

Clarke smiles at her, resting all of her weight to one leg. "I want to be in on this." Roan scoffs. 

"You're in no position to "be in on this"," he glares at her. "None of this even concerns you." Clarke scoffs right back, sauntering up to Roan without any visible fear. She pushes a finger against his chest, leaning in very close. 

"You kidnapped me. The woman who wants me to join her coalition is in potential danger," she crosses her arms, leaning back. "I deserve to know what the fuck is going on. I know damn well that there's much more to this entire situation, and I'm not going to just sit back and look pretty," she glares up at him. Lexa is..she's surprised by the woman's insistence. She's also terrified of it. "I'm not leaving this room until I'm included in your plans." Lexa swallows, feeling her heart rate pick up for a brief second. Clarke..she's powerful, Lexa can tell. She's a natural leader, she's good at talking, she's headstrong and determined and too pushy. But she's powerful, and she has a lot of people who would back her. Roan starts to open his mouth, and Lexa can see his hand moving down to his knife. Or one of them.

"No," she holds up a hand. "No, she isn't wrong. Not really. She can stay, it's fine." Roan looks at her, his eyes narrowed slightly, but he does pull his hand back up, crossing his arms against his chest. Lexa breathes out a little. She wouldn't really know what to do if Roan had just decided to kill Clarke.

"I'll trust you on that," he sighs. "Fine. We'll start," he leans back on his heels, closing his eyes for a second. "Alright. Nia is going to send me in her place. I'll be her champion."

Lexa frowns. "What if you aren't? What if she sends.."

"Ontari," Clarke frowns. "What if Nia sends her, instead?" Lexa blinks at her. How..oh. Right. She told her, just a bit. "I.." Clarke sighs. "Listen, I've decided against hating you, because you're not the person I thought you were, okay?" Clarke offers. "I know that's stupid, but I want to help. If I'm gonna join your coalition, I'm not going to let you get killed because I wasn't informed of some plans. We should talk later." Lexa nods. She's..definitely surprised. She expected Clarke to never mention that again, to use it against her, to do anything..but not that. 

"That's a good enough reason," Roan shrugs. "Alright. I don't want you dead, Lexa. I like you. You're a good Commander, and I don't like the idea of Aden going on the throne this young. He's smart, but he's not old enough to not get usurped by some older Nightblood who went undetected. Plus, he's not the strongest out of your Nightbloods, Lexa. He still needs more training. I want to fight you. And I want you to fight me. We'll train and spar, in secret, and when she eventually gets to the gates, we'll be ready. If Ontari is there.." Roan shakes his head. "I don't know exactly what happened to you, Lexa-"

Lexa raises a hand. She closes her eyes, breathing in, forcing herself to breathe in. She's fine, she's in Polis. Clarke and Roan are _right_ there, Lexa is fine. She opens her eyes again, shifting a bit farther away from them. "I was captured. Around a year or so back, and Nia.." she shakes her head, feeling her entire body start to shake again. "She gave me to Ontari. I was in the dungeons for almost two months before I got out. They thought that they could make me.." Lexa shakes her head. She doesn't even remember exactly why Nia wanted her. "They thought they could make me tell them about Polis, about me. So they could take it over, I think." She opens her eyes, noticing that Clarke has gotten closer. 

"Breathe," Clarke tells her. "I know it's hard, but you're going to have another attack if you don't, okay?" She reaches forwards, hesitates and puts her hands back down at her sides. Lexa feels the tightness in her chest slowly lessen its grip on her, slowly back down. "Just in and out, Lexa. In and out. Slow, long breaths help, alright? It's hard and it hurts, but you need to." Lexa nods, biting down on her lip as she focuses on her breathing. Focuses on keeping calm, focuses on Clarke. She shifts a little closer towards Clarke, just..just because. She can do that. She isn't with Ontari. She's..she's allowed to do what she wants. 

"Thank you," Lexa wants to say more, but she can't. "I..she did everything," she squeezes her eyes shut. "Everything she wanted," her skin burns, the scars itching, feeling like they're burrowing. "If she came back, I don't..I'm not sure I would be able to fight her." Lexa whispers. 

"Fuck," Roan breathes out. "I understand it a lot more. It means nothing, but I'm sorry about that, Lexa. Seriously. It was probably just a few days after my mom decided to get rid of me," he shakes his head. "Nia could do that to you. She could send Ontari out and make you fight her, but.." Roan sighs. "I don't think she will. She'd let me die, so she wouldn't have to deal with it. Or I'd win, but she'd keep you alive. She wouldn't make Ontari fight you. Not if she's already promised you back to her," Roan nods to himself. Lexa feels her throat seize. She can't. She couldn't go back to Ontari. She can't, she can't do that, she can't. She can't, Lexa won't, she wouldn't..she couldn't. "So that's why I want to fight you. I want you and I to spar, Lexa. In private, obviously, but if we train enough, we can make it realistic. We can put on a show instead of a bloodbath. No one will be able to tell the difference, and that's when you get me down. They'll obviously be watching from the audience, so you'll get a chance to kill her."

Clarke sighs. "You're not helping, Roan," she moves a little closer, and Lexa feels oddly comforted. "Don't mention the idea of Lexa going back to her abuser. That's not how people heal," she crosses her arms. "I know I said I hated you a few hours ago, but you're..I didn't know who you were, I guess. You're not who I thought you were. Now," she leans back on her heels, head tilted upwards. Lexa..she isn't sure what to say. She isn't sure if she's supposed to say anything at all. "If Lexa has you pinned, great. She gets to kill Ontari, lovely. What about Nia? If Lexa starts a war with Azgeda, we're all fucked, and we know it."

"What do you propose then?" Roan glares at her. 

"I kill Nia." Lexa blinks, looking over at Clarke. 

"It won't be that easy to get close to her, Clarke," she shakes her head. "Nia always has guards."

"Unless she thinks that she'll win," Roan murmurs. "Sky girl might be right."

"I am," Clarke scoffs. "I just need a knife. I'll kill Nia before you kill Ontari. Wait," she pauses. "Roan. You're the Prince of Azgeda, right?" 

Roan nods. "Yes.." Lexa puts the pieces together very quickly. Roan seems to do the exact same. "I'd be King. We could form the coalition with Polis and the other clans. It would..this would be the best thing for all of us," he nods again. "Alright. Tomorrow we'll start, somewhere around dusk. I know a fairly close place to Polis that you can easily get back here, but it's also secretive," Roan nods to himself. "Okay. I'll leave you both. Be safe." He dips his head before Lexa watches as he disappears, closing the door quietly behind him. She breathes out, figuring that today could have definitely gone much worse.

"You alright?" Clarke asks, voice soft and gentle. 

"You asked that earlier."

"I'm asking it again," she counters. "Seriously. I'm sorry that Roan mentioned that possibility. If you want me too..I'll kill her for you. I'll kill Ontari."

Lexa blinks at her, heart hammering. "You don't even like me."

"I do," Clarke sighs. "I didn't because I was pissed off and angry and.." she shrugs. "Roan fucking sucked on the way here, and it just made me more pissed off, and I just..it wasn't great. I don't hate you, Lexa. I like you. I prefer you alive, and not only because it benefits me and my people if you are. I..you abandoned me at Mount. Weather, and I lost it as soon as I saw you. I didn't really think about why you did it, because..I probably would've, too. If it was best for my people, I would have." Lexa nods. 

"I..thank you."

"Don't," she shakes her head. "Seriously, you don't have to. I'm just..I realized my mistake. You don't need to praise me for not being a bitch," Lexa smiles, feeling a little bit better about the entire situation. "But anyways. How are you? You don't have to be okay," she adds. "I know what it's like to not be okay. And it's fine to not be okay. Sometimes you haven't been okay for a really long time, and that's fine. I get that."

Lexa swallows, everything..it doesn't make sense. Clarke doesn't make sense. Why would someone be nice to her? She isn't..she's not even a person. She's just a _thing_ , a thing that other people used for their entertainment. A thing for Ontari. "I'm not," she bites down on her lip. "I'm not okay. I don't think I'll ever be okay," Lexa whispers. "Not anymore. Not after that." Clarke just nods, taking a small, careful step forwards. She isn't close enough to make Lexa panic. She's just _there_ , Clarke's just there.

"I..yeah. I don't understand, because I didn't go through it, so obviously I can't. But.." Clarke sighs. "I'm sorry. Seriously, it sucks and no one deserves that. Even if you're the worst person in the world, you still don't deserve that," she nods to herself. "Does anything help?"

"I haven't told anyone."

"Oh," Clarke breathes out. "Okay. Do certain..words..upset you? Or places, movements, stuff like that?" Lexa nods. 

"Anything to do with her," Lexa murmurs, "a _lot_ of things to do with her. There's, there's a certain knife. I haven't seen it ever since I escaped, but I'm fairly sure that I wouldn't be able to handle that. Sometimes Azgeda, I suppose. Certain things about it, their customs. Dungeons, ice, but not those words, just the words similar to them."

"Being touched?"

"Yes," she mumbles. "Yes. Sudden touches. Being touched while _it_ happens. I'm bad with loud noises, sometimes." 

Clarke doesn't even look at her like she's gross or stupid or..Clarke looks at her like she's a person. "I think we can make it through this. It never seems like it, but I..we can. She isn't always going to control your life, Lexa. If you need to talk or just have someone there, I'm here."

Lexa nods, but she absolutely doesn't understand. She doesn't understand Clarke, or why she cares, or why she's pretending to. She doesn't understand how someone could look at her like she's a person, and not like she's just a disgusting, thrown away scrap. Lexa doesn't understand. She doesn't get it. She watches as Clarke walks away, and Lexa does the same, starting down the stairs to talk to Aden and the other Nightbloods.

* * *

When Lexa gets back, Clarke's already sleeping. In her bed. Lexa knows that she should have come back on time, and she was terrified to even come back up into her room, but she..she reminded herself that Clarke isn't Ontari. No one is Ontari other than Ontari. Though thinking that is much easier than actually believing it. Lexa lays down next to her, back facing the wall. She'd rather sleep not facing Clarke, but it's..instinct. If her back is turned, Clarke could easily wrap her hands around Lexa's neck. She sighs, closing her eyes as she tries her best to just..sleep.

_"Sing for me, pretty Nightblood. I know you like this."_

_"No-"_

_"Don't. You don't get to say that. You know much better than that, Lexa. I'm so disappointed in you. Even after all of these days with me, and you still keep disappointing me."_

_"I'm sorry," Lexa cries. "I'm sorry."_

_"I know you are," Ontari's voice is soft, carrying over Lexa's ears like honey. "That's why I like you. You know that you're useless, and you don't pretend to be anything else. You're exactly what I want you to be. I know that you think it hurts, and I do this because I hate you, but I don't. I love you, Lexa. You know that, right?" She just nods, her throat raw and sore from screaming. "Answer me," Ontari reaches out, her hand cupping Lexa's jaw. She squeezes, just enough to hurt. "You know better that that."_

_"Yes," Lexa sobs. "Yes, I do, I'm sorry. I'm sorry."_

_"Good girl," Ontari purrs. "Good. See? You're already doing so much better. You're so beautiful, Lexa. Covered in your own blood, whinging for more. Wanting more, just wanting me to do whatever I want to you. The way you look at me," Ontari laughs. "It's like I'm the only person to exist. That feels really good, you know. I like that a lot."_

_"Th- thank you."_

_"You're welcome," Lexa wishes she could see. She wishes she could..she doesn't..everything..no. No. No, no no, this isn't, it isn't right, she can't be here, she..no. "You just figured it out, didn't you? That you can't get rid of me. Why would you even want to try?" Everything is so dark and it's spinning and Ontari is so close to her she's so close she's right there and- "Hush. Stop. Lay back down, let me do what I want. You know much better than that, Lexa. You know much better than that," Ontari laughs, and Lexa feels her body scream, her head wailing for her to go, to get out, to leave, but she can't, she can't, she's tried, she can't.."Of course you can't. And you don't even want to. You just like it when you make me punish you. Now hush, pretty Nightblood. I want to make you bleed."_

Lexa shouts out, and that's all she's sure of. Everything is spinning, her body and mind are screaming, she can't breathe, she can't breathe, Lexa can't breathe and-

"Lexa," _Clarke_. "Hey, hey, come on. You're okay. Breathe, Lexa, you gotta breathe. In and out, okay? You're here, you're here with me. In Polis. You're in Polis, she isn't here, you're okay. She's not here. You're here with me, we're in Polis. We're in Polis," Lexa thinks that she nods, but she isn't sure. Her chest is filled with pain, she doesn't know what from, everything burns. She can't..she can't breathe, she still can't..she can't, she can't, she can't. She's useless and gross and pathetic and a waste of life and she shouldn't be _alive_. "Lexa," Clarke's voice is firmer. Less distant. "Lexa, you're okay. You're fine, you're alright. We're both in Polis, okay? We're in Polis. She isn't even close to here. You're fine, you're safe, you're with me. You're okay," her voice is soft, but it's not like honey. It isn't like honey, it's like silk. Clarke's voice is like silk, and Lexa forces herself to _stop_. She has to listen. She has to. She furiously blinks open her eyes, her entire body shaking. She barely realizes that Clarke's standing, barely realizes that she must have lashed out, that she must have hit her. "There, see?" Clarke smiles, but it's not like Ontari's. "You're okay, you're okay. See? Now just breathe with me," Clarke inhales, deep and strong. Lexa tries to do the same, but she starts to cry, sobs racking through her body, forcing her to bring her knees up to her chest, to bury her head there. "Le-"

"It isn't," Lexa whispers. "It isn't. She..I can't do it."

"Yes you can, Lexa," Clarke lowers her voice, still sounding like silk. "You're going to get through this. You'll be fine. Maybe not right now, maybe not in a year, but you'll be fine. Can I..can I sit next to you?" Lexa nods, before remembering she needs to vocalize it. She has to.

"Ye- yes, yes-"

"Shh, shh," Clarke murmurs, softly. "You don't have to talk, it's okay," she feels the bed dip under Clarke's weight, and she..Lexa doesn't think about it. She moves closer to Clarke, pressing her head against the other's shoulder. She doesn't care. She's never had someone to..she's always had to come down herself. She always..it's so humiliating. "You'll be fine," Clarke doesn't try to wrap her arms around her or anything, she just sits there, letting Lexa..letting Lexa lead. Letting her set the pace. "You're okay, alright? You're right here. I promise, I won't let anything like that happen again. You're going to be alright," Clarke's voice is soft, and Lexa barely is registering it anymore. She's so scared of going back to sleep, but she..she's exhausted. Lexa's so tired. She cries until she isn't sure she can anymore, soaking Clarke's shirt, her hands clutching at the blankets. "I'll be here in the morning." Clarke promises, and Lexa can feel herself sink back into darkness.

* * *

Lexa wakes up, feeling arms around her. She breathes out, annoyance mostly at the forefront of her mind. She's exhausted, and she knows where she is. She's in Polis, and she's fairly certain that it's Clarke who's wrapped around her. Lexa opens her eyes, staring right at the woman. Oh, she's..she's laying on her. Of course. Lexa sighs, turning away from Clarke's grasp. She needs to get up, she's pretty sure that Titus wants to speak with her. She needs to talk to Aden, too, but she isn't quite sure if she wants to do that yet. The thought of Ontari being in that arena with her..she feels sick to her stomach. Though she's almost certain that Roan knows what he's talking about since Nia is his mother. Lexa's confident that she wouldn't even die to Roan if they were fighting for real, but she isn't sure. She hasn't been sure about a lot of things, actually. Not since she escaped. Either way, she needs to talk to Aden, to tell him about Clarke and the coalition, train him more. She knows that she shouldn't favour one Nightblood out of the others, but Aden has always stuck out to her. He's always been _there_ , just present and..he reminds her of herself, back when she was a person. Lexa forces her to sit up, ignoring the pounding headache she has. Luna would have been a much better Commander. She wouldn't have let herself get caught. Luna was always the smartest person Lexa had ever met, as well as the strongest. Lexa wishes that she had died in her Conclave, but..Lexa sighs. It's too early to think about that. She needs to get up and plan out her day. 

"Morning." Clarke mumbles, and Lexa barely hears her. 

"Good morning," she turns her head a bit, noting how Clarke doesn't have her eyes open. "I'm going to go talk with Titus. Feel free to do whatever. I'd suggest going out into the market with Roan, it would help your legitimacy." 

"Alright," she blinks one eye open. "Today feels pretty good." Lexa doesn't really need anymore context. She smiles at Clarke, still tired and hurting. 

"It does," Lexa agrees. "I'll be back at some point. Don't be surprised if I'm not here if you leave the tower." Clarke nods. 

"Alright. Don't be surprised if I'm not back, either. I want to talk to Roan." Lexa smiles a little more, wishing Roan the best of luck. From what she's seen of Clarke, she isn't a very quiet person who sits back and lets her feelings stay silent. Lexa does respect that, even if it seems to cause a lot more problems for her in the long run. Lexa feels shockingly better today, she doesn't feel.. _bad_. It really does feel like a good day, and it's been a very long time since Lexa's had one of those. She stands up, moving towards her closest. She hears Clarke shuffle a little, a resists the urge to watch her until she leaves. It's just instinct, but she knows that she shouldn't. It's stupid and impolite and just..not worth it. She pulls out one of her overshirts, tugging it on, reaching out for her armour. Lexa shifts a bit, clasping the chest piece on fairly easily, strapping on her shoulder pads. She's never really enjoyed those - they get in the way of literally everything, but she knows that it's protection. She doesn't need her face paint today, she's only going to see Titus and Aden, and possibly wander around outside the tower. It's been too long since she's done that, and she knows that she needs to get outside more. Even if it's hard and awful, and she's always afraid that _she'll_ be there, Lexa has to. Moving more is good for her, staying inside her room all day, alone with her thoughts, is absolutely not. She sighs as she turns around, hoping that today will just _stay_ like this. She feels good, she feels nice. Lexa doesn't feel like she's going to die, or like she's disgusting. Well, not as badly as she normally does. 

"Be safe, Clarke." Lexa nods to the woman as she starts for her door. Their door? Her door. 

"You too, Lexa," Clarke nods back. "Where's Roan staying?" 

"A few fl-" She frowns when she hears a knock at her door, before noticing the pattern. Titus. "Titus, feel free to come in." She calls.

Titus does, looking less than happy when he sees Clarke in her room. "Heda. May I have a word?"

"Not at the moment, Titus," Lexa bites down on her lip. "Clarke would like to know where the Ice Prince's room is. Will you please show her to him?" She asks, hoping that Titus doesn't try to talk to her later. She knows that she has to talk to him, and she _should_ do it today, but he..he's upset with her, and she knows that. Lexa has never really liked being in a room, alone, with someone who's upset with her. Titus stares at her for a few seconds before he turns his head, sighing at the ground.

"Of course, Heda. Come along now, I will not wait for you." He gestures for Clarke, already walking out of the door. Clarke rolls her eyes, but she follows him, giving one last wave to Lexa as she goes. Lexa feels..she feels good. Today doesn't feel like the past days throughout the year. It feels better, safer. She feels less like herself, more like who she used to be, back when she was still an actual person, and not just a thing. She trails out of her room, trying her best to avoid Titus and Clarke, though she really just wants to avoid Titus. She takes the longer route instead, slowly going down flight after flight. Lexa stops in front of Aden's door, assuming that he's still in there. She knocks twice, standing outside just in case he's still sleeping.

"Heda," Aden appears in front of her, hair a bit messy. He looks tired, but he also looks like he's been awake for awhile. "Did I miss a meeting?" He asks, yawning as he does. 

"No," Lexa laughs softly. "I just wanted to speak with you, Aden. How did you sleep?"

"Well," he steps back from his door, letting her in. "You?"

"Not badly," she lies. "How do you think your progress is going?"

Aden frowns. "In..becoming Heda?" 

"Yes, in becoming the Commander." Aden nods to himself. 

"I..believe it's going well. I've been training extra hard, even when you don't request me too. I've been studying as much as I can, and I think I've learnt almost all of our history. May I ask why?"

"I expect you to keep this between us," Lexa tells him, knowing very well that he will. "Queen Nia is marching to Polis. I'm assuming that she'll be sending Roan as her champion, but we're not certain. If anything happens to me, I want you to become Commander. I understand that my spirit may not choose you, however," she pauses, "I expect you to be prepared, Aden. I doubt I will die, but if I do, you need to win your Conclave." Aden nods, slowly. 

"Of course, Heda," he smiles at her. "And of course I'll keep this between us. I'll continue to train even more. If you die, I will make sure to be a good Commander in your place, Heda," Aden promises. "I won't let you down."

Lexa smiles back at him. "I know you won't, Aden. Thank you. I'll be holding a meeting tomorrow night. For now, feel free to go back to bed if you're tired. I do not expect anything else from you today." Aden nods. 

"Of course. Thank you, Heda." He bows his head, walking with her as she exits his room, closing his door behind her. Lexa starts towards the stairs again, pausing. She..she wants to get out. The tower just keeps reminding Lexa of _her_ , and she can't..she can't do that anymore. She glances down, breathing in. She has her knives on her, she knows that she does. She doesn't have to check. Lexa sighs, knowing very well that she needs to. It's so hard to leave the tower, her room. It's always where her breakdowns happen, it's always where she breaks entirely. But it's also comforting - it's the only place she can _have_ those breakdowns. Lexa shakes her head, forcing herself to go down those stairs. She has to. She needs to get out of the tower, she can't let herself die here. She can't let herself break here, she can't. 

She knows that she's risking running into Ontari once she leaves, and..no. No, no, she isn't. She can't be, she's told everyone to _keep her out_. Ontari isn't even allowed _near_ Polis, let alone _inside_ Polis. She wouldn't be able to get in without Lexa knowing. Except she could. She would most certainly be able to get into Lexa's city without her knowing. She could. And then she'd be able to find Lexa, and once that happened, nothing could fix it. Nothing, Lexa would have to..she'd be..she couldn't do it. She can feel her heart hammering in her chest, her breathing quickening way too fast, she can't.. _no_. She can't. She can't let that happen to her, she can't let herself slip like this, not when everyone can see her. Not when all of her people could see her. Clarke seeing her like that was almost too much, Lexa could never be Commander again if her people saw her, found out. They'd kill her, they..they wouldn't want her. Lexa breathes in, forcing herself to close her eyes, to focus on Clarke's voice, telling her to breathe. Just in and out, slowly. She opens her eyes after a few minutes, feeling less sick to her stomach, though her head still hurts. She shakes her head, quietly hating herself a little bit more than she had just a few moments earlier. She starts down the stairs, hand hovering just above the railing Titus had added a few months back. 

Lexa slips into the streets of Polis, flipping her hood up, just barely covering her face. She doesn't want people to look at her and see their Commander. She just wants to walk around, to just..

Forget who she is. 

She doesn't want to be herself, not anymore. Lexa hasn't wanted to be her ever since she saw Nia on that throne. Lexa's fairly certain that she died the day Ontari walked into those dungeons and introduced herself. She doesn't want to think about that, so she..she _won't_. She just won't. She knows that it'll happen eventually, but for now, she just wants to feel like a human being again, and today is already progress. She feels _better_ , less like her, more like the woman she used to be. She misses that. Lexa knows that it won't last, good days are scarce, and barely even happen anymore, but for now..for now, it's good. For now, she'll enjoy it. Lexa starts to walk, occasionally greeting merchants and stall owners, sometimes saying hello to one of her people. But for the most part, she just..she just walks. She just walks, letting herself enjoy the air around her, letting herself enjoy Polis. Lexa's not sure if "enjoy" is the word, but she doesn't feel as terrified of finding _her_ there. She feels just a bit better, though she's definitely sure it'll hit her as soon as she gets back into that tower. 

"Lexa!" She raises her head, looking straight ahead. Clarke's there, Roan right next to her. "We've got some plans. Also, I need a knife." Lexa smiles, pulling her hood down as she makes her way over to the duo. 

"Did Roan not give you one?" She asks, glancing at the man. He's at least a head or so taller than the both of them. 

"Of course he didn't," Clarke scoffs, but she's smiling. "Plus, his knives are shit. I want something small, sharp, and deadly." Roan scoffs right back at her, glaring down at the woman.

"All of my knives are the same kinds of knives you'd find here. Polis sells the same stuff last time I checked," he rolls his eyes. "What're you doing out here, Commander?" Lexa shrugs, glancing back behind her. 

"I wanted to take a walk," she explains. "And Clarke, if you'd like, I can take you to buy a knife. The stalls are all open by this time of day. Roan, you might need new ones, feel free to come along. How long have you two been out here?"

All three of them start to talk as they walk, and Lexa still feels awful. She feels terrible and gross and disgusting, but she..she feels _better_. She knows that she's still useless, but at least she can forget that for even a few minutes.


End file.
